


Life Goes On/Forever With Me

by MorganaNK



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 21:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18374105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Non-cannon.  Buffy and Angel got back together.  Angel got his redemption and the PTB’s made him human but with his positive vampiric traits so that he could still be a warrior.  Unfortunately Buffy came up against that demon that was just that little bit quicker than her and...





	1. Life Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> Characters are the property of Joss Whedon and all interested parties.  
> Lyrics from 'Life Goes On' by Nik Kershaw  
> No copyright infringement intended
> 
> Lyrics = italics

_Even though I think of you  
Life goes on_

It’s been two years since you were taken from me. Twenty-four months. One hundred and four weeks. Seven hundred and thirty days to the day. Willow tells me that I dwell too much on the time issue; judging by the fact that I know exactly how many days it has been I guess she is right.

They say it gets easier. I want to know when. Because from where I’m standing it isn’t any easier now than the day I saw you run through with a saber, if anything it is worse.

It took me over two hundred years to fall in love, I can’t see it ever happening again. You were everything to me. That’s not to say that we didn’t have our ups and downs, hell we could argue with the best of them, but in the end we always came back to one another. Nothing was insurmountable. You taught me that, and it was a lesson I learned well.

Giles thinks that I should move on. I can see how uncomfortable he is when he comes round and I suppose in some ways I can understand why. Our house hasn’t changed since the day you walked out of the front door for the final time. Your clothes still hang next to mine in the wardrobe; your personal items are still on the dressing table and in the bathroom. Some people would say I was living in a shrine, I prefer to think of it as a testament to you. It proves that you were here.

_I keep your photograph in my attaché  
Your eyes seem to follow me from day to day  
I make the curtains sing and dance in my room  
I’m sure I see your smile and smell your sweet perfume_

It’s at night when I really feel the loss. Every night without you is the same as the first. I curl up in our bed with my pillow cradled in my arms and I sob until I have to fight for breath. But it’s also the time you come to me. I know everyone thinks I’m crazy when I tell them that, the first time it happened I thought I was, but I’m not.

It’s your perfume, the scent of vanilla. Then the bed dips slightly under your weight. Two arms slide round me and kisses as soft as butterfly wings work their way down my back. I feel your warm breath and every nerve and fiber in my body goes into overdrive. I relax into your tender embrace but I do not dare to turn over for I know that if I do you will disappear. Every night you cradle me and caress me until I fall asleep, and in the morning you are gone.

_My heart keeps me awake as loud as it beats  
I’m sure I feel your skin between the warm silk sheets_

It’s ironic really, I fought so hard for my redemption and now I have it I don’t want it. I wanted it for me but I also wanted it for us. Now you’re gone there really doesn’t seem much point in anything any more. The only thing I do do with a passion is slaying. I patrol alone; I don’t want to have to watch anyone’s back. Every vampire and demon I kill I do in your name. The new slayer Vanessa tried to step in once saying it was her job. She never tried again.

I want to be with you so much. Every night after patrol and before I head home I swing past your grave. I know that you aren’t there but I have to check that no one has defiled your memory. And then I go home and wait for you to arrive. I think that the cemetery holds the most memories for me. It’s where it all began for us, there and the alley by the Bronze. I don’t go there anymore; I don’t really go anywhere anymore.

_When I’m awake or sleeping  
When I’ve got things to do  
Why does everything I see remind me of   
(you)  
Swept the broken years away just like a brand new broom  
And there was only you there in the   
(room)  
Grows hazy and the people grow loud  
I’m sure I hear your voice above the madding crowd_

I don’t know how much longer I can go on Baby. The pain grows every day and nothing I do, not even slaying, eases it. I think that maybe its time for me to go. I don’t want to live with your memory; I want to be with you.

_And sometimes your face is in everything I see  
Forever with me  
Sometimes our love is more than just a memory  
And even though I think of you  
Life goes on_


	2. Forever With Me

Her perfume invaded his senses, the sweet and heady scent of vanilla and warm summer evenings. He knew what was coming next and sure enough the bed dipped and her warm breath caressed his cool skin. Then the soft kisses and finally the strong but gentle arms that pulled him close. 

“Buffy.” His voice was soft, barely a whisper.

“Yes my Beloved.” 

He froze; she had never spoken to him before. Did he dare to turn over?

“Buffy...are you really here?”

“I’m here every night. Did you think that I would leave you alone? I’m here to comfort you until you let go and move on. It will happen, but until then I’ll try to ease your pain.”

Rage coursed through him and he struggled from her embrace and turned to face her. She didn’t disappear but she certainly looked ethereal. 

“Move on??? I can never move on. I am destined to love you until I become dust. You are my soulmate. I can never love another. How could you even suggest that?”

Tenderly she traced his jaw line with her index finger. He was so strong and proud and her unbeating heart filled to overflowing with love for him. But there was also sadness.

“Angel, I don’t want you to walk through this life alone. You have so much love to give. Don’t hold it inside of you. Open your heart and let people get close to you again.”

“I don’t want to Buffy, I want to be with you. It’s only ever been you.”

“It’s not your time Beloved.”

“Damn it Buffy, don’t start trying to make decisions for me now! You hated it when I did it to you; if I remember correctly it was a major stumbling block in our relationship. Don’t you dare start telling me how I should live my life.”

Her hand replaced the index finger and she cupped his cheek. “Shush, calm yourself. We will be together again, but not yet. You still have work to do.”

Tears began to trace their way to freedom down his cheeks as he leant into her embrace. “It’s so hard Baby. Every day is a struggle and it’s a fight I don’t want any more. Damn destiny and sacred duty. If it wasn’t for them you would still be with me.”

“If it wasn’t for them we would never have met. We both knew that I wasn’t going to make it much past twenty; I was lucky to get that far. If it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t have seen my seventeenth birthday.”

He blanched. The memories of that night were still painful even after all this time. She saw that and planted a light kiss on his forehead.

“I don’t regret any of it. To get to the joy we first had to work through the pain. If it had been handed to us on a plate we would never have appreciated it. You mean everything to me and that is why I want you to let me go until it is time for us to be together again. You have to promise me.”

His tears were falling harder now. “I can’t do that Buffy. I wish to God that I could but I can’t. Don’t ask me to do that, please don’t ask me to do that. I’ll stake myself or take a bath in Holy water but don’t ever ask me to let you go.”

She sighed. The sound was like a gentle breeze.

“I’m not going to change your mind am I Beloved?”

“Not about letting you go.”

“You know that isn’t really the issue here. I am you and you are I. I know your thoughts. I know the secrets you keep locked deep in your heart. I know what you are planning to do.”

He swallowed hard. “I haven’t the strength to do this any more. I want it to end.”

“Can we compromise?”

“What???”

“I won’t ask you to forget if you don’t give up.”

“It’s not enough. This is so unfair. It wasn’t your time.”

“Shush Baby, it was. I can’t say it was exactly the grand exit I had envisaged but beggars can’t be choosers. If you agree then I will still visit you every night. I won’t let you be alone. But you have to find the strength to carry on.”

“Will it be like this? Will you be this real? Can I touch you, hold you, make love to you?”

She cocked her head to one side as if listening to someone and suddenly a golden couple materialised at the end of the bed.

“You ask for much Warrior, are you prepared to do what she asks in return?”

“To not give up? To continue fighting? To open myself back up to our friends? Yes I will do all that, but I can’t forget her or let her go or move on.”

The Oracles conversed for a moment and then turned back to them.

“Your requests are granted. Do not question and do not ask for more.”

And then they were gone.

He turned to her to find her smiling.

“What?” Her amused expression confused him.

“I was just thinking about how much you’ve changed Beloved. There was a time when you wouldn’t have thought yourself worthy of me and now you are bargaining with the PTB’s to keep me.”

He reached out and pulled her close. “I happen to think you’re worth keeping.”


End file.
